It’s 6:30 am, I watch as he disappears into the dark. He navigates seamlessly through the blackened night. He goes often to this place. If you ask, he would say he is hunting, looking for that prized animal that gives him bragging rights amongst his peers. But if truth were told, he is searching for something more, and this place is the one place that offers the quiet solace necessary to find what he seeks…answers.
I know well how he feels, I have come here more often than I would like to admit, in search of the same. I’ve had my opportunities to kill more deer than I could count. I chose instead to watch and to wonder.
He does the same. We are together now, sitting only a few yards apart. It’s cold and rainy. It seems the mood of the day is reminisent of the mood in our hearts. We spoke little to one another as we left the house this morning, we didn’t need to, his eyes spoke more than words ever could. I suppose mine did as well.
We sat for a while, shivering from the cold wet air. I watched him and I wondered…will he ever know how much I love him, will he ever know the pain in his heart is only matched and surpassed by the pain in my own, will it ever dawn on him that every word in scripture was meant for moments like these, will he finally know from experience that “He is our ever present help in times of trouble.” These are the moments that change us forever…for better or worse.
It all comes down to this: Will we choose now to walk by faith and not by sight, or will we continue to wear the flesh thats gotten us here to begin with. He has learned well to trust his own instincts, now he must learn to forsake them for truth. I hope I have taught him well.
It is one thing to lead men into the darkness, but to lead your family there is terrifying. I pray he does not see the fear and I pray he will never see me buckle under the weight. I remind him our battle is not against flesh and blood but spirits powers and principalities that are not of this world. I wonder am I convinced myself, will I trust this fight to the Lord or will I fight and fail on my own.
He is learning from me and what I teach him in this moment will have lifelong consequences…good or bad. I too am learning from him as well, so I watch as he fades into the dark, trusting that I have not led him astray.
I Love You Justin, God has blessed me more than I could ever know.